So today I've decided to write a post here, mostly to toot my own horn and doing it on Facebook just didn't seem like the forum for it. It is the 27th anniversary of getting sober for me and I really felt like I wanted say some things about it. Every year my ideas about staying sober change. It is and evolving concept for me.
I was 27 years old when I stopped and once I quit, I never started again, thank God! I was young and it was really difficult for me at the time, but I followed directions and used AA for many years to stay sober. Eventually, because the 12 steps are about spirituality, I evolved out of needing AA and "recovery" to continue remaining drug and alcohol free. However, AA is where I became a "seeker", and remain one today. I became permanently on the path of my own spiritual awakening and it has become the soul focus of my life. I've discovered that the word recovery denotes a feeling in me that something was innately wrong with me, and I feel that some of the ideas in 12 step recovery perpetuate that. After some time, I realized that the only thing wrong is my thinking, but of course that took years. I never would have gotten to the point of knowing that unless I had come through a traditional 12 step program, so I'm grateful to AA because of it.
I have remained drug and alcohol free through enormous difficulties over the years, the most difficult being the death of my daughter at 25 of complications of Cystic Fibrosis and a double lung transplant. My daughter was ill all her life, and raising her was challenging to say the least, but because my life was focused on a spiritual path, I discovered over and over again what and incredible gift those challenges where. I have been blessed with the awareness to know this and I would not change a minute of it.
I know this now, that every hardship, every single tiny thing that makes me uncomfortable is and opportunity to move into grace, to raise my vibration, to become more at one with God or the universe, or whatever you choose to call it. That process keeps on going for me. Sometimes it seems like one step forward, two steps back, but eventually I come to new and deeper awareness's about myself.
It's been kind of like 'whack- a- mole" with addiction too. Seven years ago I quit a 30 year addiction to cigarettes and now I'm dealing with a weight problem because of my compulsion with food. So no, I haven't reached Nirvana! I am however getting glimpses of it more and more often. I actually understand and am somewhat grateful for my struggles because I know they come from my own soul. They are mine, they are sacred turf.
So here's to me on the cusp of my 55th birthday next month, with lots more to learn about life and love. Happy 27th year sober!

One year later....

   I cannot believe that it has been over a year since I last posted here. I get my social network fix on FB now and I don't spend much time on that either.
Blogging for me was such a great healing tool while I grieved my daughter's death. That's why it started. I've deleted those posts and started this blog and now don't make time to write here.
Since I've started working as a psychic, I now have a beautiful office in my home town where I give readings and do counseling. I LOVE IT!! I am still learning and am always amazed by my abilities and by the things that come through me for the people that I read. The learning curve with my gifts has been huge. It's tough because all the people I meet and work with who are gifted get information differently, so even comparing or dialoging with each other can leave you mystified. Oh but it's so much fun!! I think learning to trust myself and my guides, and not questioning the information, just giving it is most important.
The whole journey has really been about being a seeker. The people who come to me for the most part are too. Some are farther along the path than others, but seekers just the same. I truly believe spirituality is the only thing that is really important. Understanding that God is part of me and I am part of God and it's all connected in a bigger way every single day! So much fun! So much joy! Even the tough stuff is worth it. My growth seems to be moving at an exponential rate now. My purpose seems to be to serve and that's really great because it feels so good. I feel so privileged to be there for someone who decides to open up to me for a reading or counseling. I learn so much every single time.
I plan to start some meditation classes very soon and really am looking forward to that. Meditating in a group is awesome and raises everyone's vibration so much, that amazing things can happen.
It's funny how when I look back on how I got to this point I know truly everything happens for a reason. I was a chemical dependency counselor for almost 10 years. I stopped doing that just before my 25 year old daughter died. She had Cystic Fibrosis and complications from a double lung transplant for any new readers who might be checking me out. Anyway, now all that experience really serves me well every day. I am also a medium so many people come to me to communicate with someone who may have died in their lives(sometimes the spirit comes through, sometimes not, I never know...). I also have my own real grieving experience with my daughter and both my parents. It's so much easier to connect to people from a place of true empathy and understanding. Everyone has issues. Everyone. we are all connected to each other for the mutual purpose of our souls growth. We are all here to learn about love. what a great ride!
I hope there's a few of you who are still willing to read this. I have a new computer that I can use at my office now so I may find more time to spend here.    

Long Time No Blog

Hello to anyone who's wondering where I've been. Mostly I've been hanging out on Facebook because it's easier and quicker than blogging. I do miss this sometimes though.
I hadn't realized how much things had changed for me till I went back and looked at my old posts. They kind of give you markers for your frame of mind at the time you wrote them.
I've really been having a blast and doing something I've always been interested in now. (here's where I'll probably lose a few of you, but that's ok. It doesn't matter too much to me)
 Back in April I had a reading done by a local psychic for my birthday. I do this almost every year. Anyway, I had signed up for a psychic development class at our local community college and was unable to attend because of an unexpected surgery. During the reading the woman told me that I was gifted (I knew this, sorta) and informed me of a group that met every week of people who were practicing their mediumship. She asked if I would like to join them. Would I?! Are you F'in kidding me?! And I've been there every week since.
Now for those of you who think this is a bunch of crap, stop reading, un-follow me and get on with your blogger life without reading this, because frankly I think it sucks to be you. For those of you who do, cool.
All my life I have had metaphysical experiences. I have read, studied, followed, investigated all manner of paranormal and psychic topics and now I really understand why. When you have abilities it's hard to talk about it. It's not something you just bring up in conversation that's for sure. People will think you're nuts. I have to be careful of that even when I'm NOT talking about this stuff!
I do have gifts and now that I'm focusing specifically on them and working with other people who are gifted on a daily basis, WOW!! It is amazing!!I've had so many cool experiences and keep having them. I've started doing readings for people myself and know without a shadow of a doubt that I'm doing exactly what I'm supposed to be doing. How many people can say that?
Believing in  myself, no matter what, has payed off. I'm on the next big adventure of my life, finally! For those of you who know a little of my history, well, you can imagine that it feels pretty darn good!  

Valentine/ Birthday

Happy Birthday to ME! 


Hi everyone. I'm sorry that I haven't been blogging lately. I've been reading blogs but not commenting and I know how much I appreciate feedback from all of you so... I suck. Sorry for being a lazy blog lurker. 
Today marks 23 years of sobriety for me. I am proud of that although there isn't much celebrating over it anymore.
Jay bought me flowers for Valentines Day and I made him steak and eggs for breakfast. Our grandson is here and he and Pee Paw are playing with matchbox cars on the floor. Later we are going sleigh riding at a friends house. 
We're also going to make a Valentine for my daughter in law with some crayons and heart stickers. I'm thinking sparkles too, that should be good. 
I feel quiet, content and grateful. Life is good. 




Happy Valentines day to all of you! 

I Remember

Just missin' my Annie Bo Bannie today.

Bring Me some Blues

There are some things in your life that just simply make you feel good. For years I've been going to The Dinosaur Bar-B- Que restaurant in Syracuse, NY. It's a biker hangout, blues bar, and a great food place. They're quite famous now and have one in Rochester, NY and one in New York City.
Annie, my daughter, was usually in the Hospital in Syracuse when she was sick and so many times after visiting her I would go over to The Dinosaur and hang out and listen to the band. Blues made me feel good. I always loved being there, it was so comforting after seeing Annie in the hospital. It's a funky cool place with a great atmosphere.
It's been awhile since I've been there. I can't stay awake anymore! The band doesn't usually start till around 11:00 and it's more than an hour drive away, but I'm feeling like I need to hang. There's nothing like a warm summer night on the bike and headin' to The Dinosaur for some blues, but alas I'll have to take the car it's a little chilly. Anybody want to come?

Filling My Pond

For those of you who are interested, the big night for my friend went very well and I had a blast. I had as much fun getting ready to go as going because I felt like myself. I felt pretty and proud to be sitting with my friend in a huge ballroom full of muckety mucks and being comfortable in my skin. So comfortable that my shy friend wanted me to sit next to him for comfort an solace when he was the one being honored for his enormous contributions to the community. Pretty cool.

I have spent time on myself and with myself. My pond was empty for many reasons and I'm filling it back up, my way. I don't care what other people think about how I'm doing it. It just doesn't matter. One thing that will make me crazy in a hurry is listening to too many people's opinions about what I should or should not be doing. The more quiet I become, the more clearly I can hear God.
It seems to be working.

Speaking of filling my pond here's some pictures from my morning walk. Enjoy! I sure did!

My Own Skin

My husband and I were invited to a award dinner for a good friend of ours Friday night. It's not going to be a totally formal event, however it will require some pretty nice duds and it has been a loooooong time since I've purchased anything decent to wear. Normally shopping for cloths is rather traumatizing for me, because I have a lot of trouble finding things that fit me. Now I have some added bonus going on in the booty and well, this had the potential to be a very bad scene.
Well, I knew all this before I left and I said to myself  "Self, you need to be realistic. Don't expect to look 30 and thin, 'cause you're not. Don't beat the crap out of yourself every time you look in the mirror. Just do the best you can."
Guess what? It worked. I found a great outfit that I'll be able to use more than once. Plus, one of the reasons it looks so good is because of my height. How do you like that? Well, you probably don't care much, but it's a very big deal to me.
My point is, I didn't set myself up. I usually figure out I've done that way after I've had a giant hissy fit.
 My looks have changed so much in the last few years that it's been a difficult thing to get through too. I mean 50 doesn't look like 30 unless your really working on it or you're a movie star.
Learning to let go of all the bullshit I tell myself has been quite a process. It's a relief and a comfort to just be. Be in my own skin, wrinkles and all, extra bootyliciousness and all. I may not look like a movie star to anyone else, but I think I felt like one tonight and I'm excited to get all dressed up and go out to cheer for my friend.

Happy Birthday Annie

Happy 28th birthday Annie. I love you and I miss you. mom

Once in a Blue Moon

Once in a blue moon you get to bring in the New Year in a place like this. my hubby and I spent the night out here. It was great. It just doesn't get any better than this. (except that I DO know the true meaning of freezing my ass off, the out house was a bit breezy!)
Happy 2010 everyone ! Thank you for a great year of blogging!

Bruuuuuuce!

I just watched the 32nd Kennedy Center Honors, (yes, we finally have TV). One of the great artist's of my generation, Bruce Springsteen was one of the five recipients. I just happened to catch it, I had no idea he had won. I was so happy to see it. I think it is an amazing thing to be able to observe someone who is obviously doing what he came to this earth to do. I felt proud that I have lived through the whole history that Bruce speaks of in his songs. I feel like one of the people he speaks of in his songs.
I am proud to be an all American girl, born in the USA. I have a bandanna as a common part of my wardrobe, I wear Levis and leather, and I ride a Harley Davidson. Bruce's music has woven through the background of my life since I was in high school. He writes songs for us blue collar folks. He writes songs I can understand.
I believe if a person is expressing from his soul than we can all understand him. I hope that I am always aware enough to recognize someone who is.

 

Christmas Prayers

Well I made it. I managed to get through Christmas without the overwhelming sadness of the past two Christmas's without Annie.
I had planned to use this new blog to only talk about things that make me happy, or things that make me feel good. I'm not sure what you  would call this. I do know it's not grief anymore and that's a good thing. There have been moments that I have felt sad, but it wasn't grief.
Today I took the tree down. I always take my tree down right away because Annie's birthday is January 3rd and  now it's a habit to make the shift into birthday mode for her. Putting up and taking down the tree is hard. Every single ornament has an attachment to a life that is gone now. They're symbolic of something that is simply gone.
This year I thought about how I made Christmas every year. How I decorated, baked, cooked, entertained and cared for everyone in my family and life for Annie's whole life. I tried my very best to be that person again this year for what has become a very small group. It's ok. For two years I couldn't do much else but cry.
I'm not sure what this new part of my life will bring. I wonder if I'll ever be like I was before. I don't see how I could. Some things change you. Some things change you so much that you can't identify who you are now.
I prayed a lot this year. I prayed to be less jaded. I prayed to see the good in people. I prayed not to analize everyone and everything for "dysfunction". This included me more than anyone. I prayed that I would not talk to my husband about my feelings because he needed to feel happy and not take care of me like he always does.
I did enjoy our grandson. I mostly enjoyed my husband enjoying our grandson . Love pours out of my husband in huge palpable waves. He's such a wonderful man. I would like to be like him.
I don't know what other people feel like who have lost a child. I know that it makes me feel alone much of the time. I know a three year old will stop you from thinking about anything and bring you into the moment, which is where God is.
I think that's what I miss about Annie more than anything. Her illness stripped time down to a place that was truth. We lived in moments, because you never knew what the next would bring.
I hope that now that my grief has subsided that I can take that experience with me and use it for everyone and everything. It's all there is really, it's just that most of the time we're too lost in thought to know it. I pray I know it more.

Christmas Love

I hope everyone is having a great holiday so far. Much Christmas love sent out to all of you!

You Might be a Frozen Redneck if...

You might be a redneck if you spend the Saturday before Christmas checking the thickness of the ice for fishing. Yup, That's what I did with my hubby today. It's c-c-c-c-cold! Tall Karen said she wanted to see some white stuff, so in honor of her and our blogger buddy Syd, heres some pictures of my day.

Guess what,I'm not going with him.

Deptford pink

I don't have a lot to say here lately. So I thought I'd share the latest photo I'm using as wall paper.It was 3 degrees yesterday so I put this up. I took this last summer at a large pond near us. You can read about this wildflower here.

Right about the same time I took this one.

It makes me laugh.

Hope all of you are having a great holiday so far.

Honest Things

Chris over at Enchanted Oak gave me this blog award  today and I'm supposed to tell you 7 honest things about myself.  I really like this particular award because it has easy, uncomplicated rules, you just tell 7 honest things, and pass it on to one person. Nice. Thank you Chris. I love her blog so much. her poetry rocks and so does she, so it means a lot to me when somebody like her, likes me. Very cool. Anyway, here goes;

1. I never thought that I would like being a grandma. I've never been much of a kid person. I'm bitchy and have no patience with kids, but my grandson has melted my frozen heart. He is an easy going little dude most of the time and I am always totally surprised when he wants to hang out with me. 
2. I love Christmas music, especially the classic stuff by Bing Crosby, Nat King Cole, Burl Ives, Jimmy Durante, you know what I mean.
3. I can't wait to see our grandson's face when he see's the big Thomas the Train table my husband made and I'm painting for him. What's the deal with this Thomas stuff? I don't get it, but he's only 3 and looses his mind over trains. ( it's a guy thing I guess)
4. I miss Annie.
5.  I don't like it when I get mean anonymous comments on posts. If you are too chicken to let me know who you are then keep your comments to yourself, just sayin'.
6. I had a pet pig named Samantha when I was a kid. I had her trained to do tricks and she was kind of like a dog to me. We would hang out and listen to a transistor radio together a lot. Once she fell in the pool and was in there for so long before she was discovered she had rubbed the hair under her chin off from her hooves while swimming. My dad butchered her for meat but they never told me. They just told me they sold her at auction. Living on a farm made you kinda tough with animals coming and going so to speak.
7. My dad looked just like one of the muppets who heckled in the balcony on The Muppet Show. He loved that show.

So there you are Chris. Thanks again. now I'd like to pass this along to Gretchen at g-log who always posts her paintings and always has something good to share. I think she could you some company from all you crazy folks who follow my blog for some odd reason! Well, maybe not you crazy ones.... 

Flash 55 Birthday Boy!

You've got me thinking
Of birthdays past,
How each has come and gone
We all know now
The bond will last
And Flash 55 will go on

And even though
You've had it rough,
A week you won't forget

You've told the tale
With a hurtin' tail
That hasn't beat you yet!
Happy Birthday G-Man!

Try a flash 55 and  report to the G-Man and wish him a Happy Birthday while you're at it. He's old, he needs something to be happy about.

Shoes

I was going along
Living along

We were in charge
We were the ones
We were the girls breaking the rules
The one's the songs were about
The one's with the cloths
The ones who drove the cars
Bought the stuff
Wore the shoes

I had some shoes

Coasting, holding on, making noise
And then talking about our kids

Then they had the shoes
  and a cell phone
They're working out for the ten year reunion

Now I am invisible
and I don't wear shoes

No Autographs, Please

 I think it's hilarious that after not being on the blogs for several days, the very first post I read was from our blogger friend Lou giving out here lovely award to all of us. Having a large, magnanimous ego, I of course graciously accept this award and will tell you all about my brushes with fame.

1. When I was in first grade, Bobby Kennedy stopped at my Catholic grade school while he was campaigning in NY Sate and I shook his hand.
2. I waited on Whoopi Goldberg when I lived in Charlotte NC. She was there filming "The Color Purple" at the time and came into the restaurant I was working in. She tipped me $50.
3. I met Jimmy Buffet at a bar in Key West and didn't know who he was. we were hanging out drinking beer.
4. I met his wife much later in rehab.
5. I met Rob Lowe at the same rehab.
6. I walked past the filming of a scene of "Miami Vice" in the airport in Miami. Annie and I had just arrived to move to Key Largo with two of my sisters. 
7.   New York State Senator Tom Libous had his picture taken on a chopper my husband built at our local business show a few years ago. ( I met him a few times actually and wasn't impressed really, but you might be!)
8. I was on "The Today Show" at that same time for a piece that featured my friend's restaurant that was in an old jail he redid. We had Jail House Choppers in the basement and sat at the tables while they were filming  about the restaurant.

That's all I can think of tonight, There's probably more, because really, I am so cool, but I'm tired. you know, I just don't understand way anyone hasn't asked for MY autograph.

I encourage anyone to accept this award also and share with us your own brushes with fame.

Also, I apologize for missing blogs and will catch up as best I can. I've been enjoying our grandson and holiday "stuff".

Macaroni Love

there are some things
that speak about your life like photographs
brought out of the dust in December

This one is from my mother
I bought this the year we were married
some are no longer pretty
mice chewed the macaroni

each holds a space in time
some too dear to think of
falling and whirling in waves

one by one
they are symbols

of a lifetime of love