Monday, December 28, 2009
I had planned to use this new blog to only talk about things that make me happy, or things that make me feel good. I'm not sure what you would call this. I do know it's not grief anymore and that's a good thing. There have been moments that I have felt sad, but it wasn't grief.
Today I took the tree down. I always take my tree down right away because Annie's birthday is January 3rd and now it's a habit to make the shift into birthday mode for her. Putting up and taking down the tree is hard. Every single ornament has an attachment to a life that is gone now. They're symbolic of something that is simply gone.
This year I thought about how I made Christmas every year. How I decorated, baked, cooked, entertained and cared for everyone in my family and life for Annie's whole life. I tried my very best to be that person again this year for what has become a very small group. It's ok. For two years I couldn't do much else but cry.
I'm not sure what this new part of my life will bring. I wonder if I'll ever be like I was before. I don't see how I could. Some things change you. Some things change you so much that you can't identify who you are now.
I prayed a lot this year. I prayed to be less jaded. I prayed to see the good in people. I prayed not to analize everyone and everything for "dysfunction". This included me more than anyone. I prayed that I would not talk to my husband about my feelings because he needed to feel happy and not take care of me like he always does.
I did enjoy our grandson. I mostly enjoyed my husband enjoying our grandson . Love pours out of my husband in huge palpable waves. He's such a wonderful man. I would like to be like him.
I don't know what other people feel like who have lost a child. I know that it makes me feel alone much of the time. I know a three year old will stop you from thinking about anything and bring you into the moment, which is where God is.
I think that's what I miss about Annie more than anything. Her illness stripped time down to a place that was truth. We lived in moments, because you never knew what the next would bring.
I hope that now that my grief has subsided that I can take that experience with me and use it for everyone and everything. It's all there is really, it's just that most of the time we're too lost in thought to know it. I pray I know it more.