Monday, December 28, 2009

Christmas Prayers

Well I made it. I managed to get through Christmas without the overwhelming sadness of the past two Christmas's without Annie.
I had planned to use this new blog to only talk about things that make me happy, or things that make me feel good. I'm not sure what you  would call this. I do know it's not grief anymore and that's a good thing. There have been moments that I have felt sad, but it wasn't grief.
Today I took the tree down. I always take my tree down right away because Annie's birthday is January 3rd and  now it's a habit to make the shift into birthday mode for her. Putting up and taking down the tree is hard. Every single ornament has an attachment to a life that is gone now. They're symbolic of something that is simply gone.
This year I thought about how I made Christmas every year. How I decorated, baked, cooked, entertained and cared for everyone in my family and life for Annie's whole life. I tried my very best to be that person again this year for what has become a very small group. It's ok. For two years I couldn't do much else but cry.
I'm not sure what this new part of my life will bring. I wonder if I'll ever be like I was before. I don't see how I could. Some things change you. Some things change you so much that you can't identify who you are now.
I prayed a lot this year. I prayed to be less jaded. I prayed to see the good in people. I prayed not to analize everyone and everything for "dysfunction". This included me more than anyone. I prayed that I would not talk to my husband about my feelings because he needed to feel happy and not take care of me like he always does.
I did enjoy our grandson. I mostly enjoyed my husband enjoying our grandson . Love pours out of my husband in huge palpable waves. He's such a wonderful man. I would like to be like him.
I don't know what other people feel like who have lost a child. I know that it makes me feel alone much of the time. I know a three year old will stop you from thinking about anything and bring you into the moment, which is where God is.
I think that's what I miss about Annie more than anything. Her illness stripped time down to a place that was truth. We lived in moments, because you never knew what the next would bring.
I hope that now that my grief has subsided that I can take that experience with me and use it for everyone and everything. It's all there is really, it's just that most of the time we're too lost in thought to know it. I pray I know it more.


Shadow said...

i feel a sense of peace and acceptance in your post *hugs*

Tall Kay said...

I didn't put any decorations up at all this year because I just couldn't face taking them all down again. Your heart sends out such a beautiful message of hope and finding God in each and moment.

How did your grandson like the Thomas table??? I'll bet it was a HUGE surprise. Love and hugs to you.

the walking man said...

What I know Jenn is simply let the heart feel without regard what it feels. You have grown, bare and open, and in that you do well. God hears the naked, we have less layers to muffle the sound of our voice.

Be Well.

Anonymous said...

jENN, this is one of the best posts I have ever read by you. Amazing what time and prayer can do for our soul.

And yes, everyone should have a little bit of Jay's personality in them, sure would make the whole world a wonderful place!

I am so glad you were able to have a wonderful holiday with some sadness of course for Annie, but with much love.

Enchanted Oak said...

I love you, Jenn. You are perfect just the way you are, the whole ball of living, breathing soul that is you. You are becoming what your Higher Power is desiring for you, pain, love, outward reaching, inward looking, everything. We are everything that has gone into making what we are. No need to leave anything behind because it will all be used somehow to bless another human being. You bless me today.
Love, Chris

Tom Bailey said...

Those are powerful things to pray for and I hope that this year brings answered prayers for you.

Kindest regards,
Tom Bailey

Monkey Man said...

Jenn, my heart pours out to you. Your ability to deal with your loss in incredible. You teach in your words.

Lou said...

I was thinking of you. I'm glad you were semi busy with family.

You can't help but think of Annie with Christmas and her birthday so close. I actually used to take (not so much lately) a sad day...I would stay in, look at photo albums, and listen to music that brought memories..and just be sad. Then I could go back and be functioning at work and around people, because we both know people don't want to hear it. Of course, my situation is not like yours, and I think you have done an amazingly brave job of finding your way out of that dark place.

The best thing you did was give yourself time, away from people who don't understand (as much as is possible to get away from people). Your way seemed to me to be a more natural, holistic way to handle grief.

I'm happy you trust us enough to write what is in your heart today.

Cindy said...

I feel warm after reading this.

♥ Boomer ♥ said...

A beautiful post. Just beautiful.

Gabriella Moonlight said...

This post is so moving...we do change and in my life they've never been the same and so much in me has changed, I am grateful for that now but the journey here has not been easy and it won't suddenly become so; I just allow myself to be me...and I love you JeNN you are amazing and beautiful as you are...
love gabi

Syd said...

Jenn, I like what you wrote about having time stripped down to truth and that it was necessary to live in moments. That is a rare and wonderful thing to live in moments. I see that as a gift from Annie to you. Thanks for sharing your thoughts about loss here.

Anonymous said...

This is a beautiful writing. We also have lost a family member. I know what the loneliness feels like but I can also see how she has inspired you and will always inspire you the rest of your life until you see her again.