Bruuuuuuce!

I just watched the 32nd Kennedy Center Honors, (yes, we finally have TV). One of the great artist's of my generation, Bruce Springsteen was one of the five recipients. I just happened to catch it, I had no idea he had won. I was so happy to see it. I think it is an amazing thing to be able to observe someone who is obviously doing what he came to this earth to do. I felt proud that I have lived through the whole history that Bruce speaks of in his songs. I feel like one of the people he speaks of in his songs.
I am proud to be an all American girl, born in the USA. I have a bandanna as a common part of my wardrobe, I wear Levis and leather, and I ride a Harley Davidson. Bruce's music has woven through the background of my life since I was in high school. He writes songs for us blue collar folks. He writes songs I can understand.
I believe if a person is expressing from his soul than we can all understand him. I hope that I am always aware enough to recognize someone who is.

 

Christmas Prayers

Well I made it. I managed to get through Christmas without the overwhelming sadness of the past two Christmas's without Annie.
I had planned to use this new blog to only talk about things that make me happy, or things that make me feel good. I'm not sure what you  would call this. I do know it's not grief anymore and that's a good thing. There have been moments that I have felt sad, but it wasn't grief.
Today I took the tree down. I always take my tree down right away because Annie's birthday is January 3rd and  now it's a habit to make the shift into birthday mode for her. Putting up and taking down the tree is hard. Every single ornament has an attachment to a life that is gone now. They're symbolic of something that is simply gone.
This year I thought about how I made Christmas every year. How I decorated, baked, cooked, entertained and cared for everyone in my family and life for Annie's whole life. I tried my very best to be that person again this year for what has become a very small group. It's ok. For two years I couldn't do much else but cry.
I'm not sure what this new part of my life will bring. I wonder if I'll ever be like I was before. I don't see how I could. Some things change you. Some things change you so much that you can't identify who you are now.
I prayed a lot this year. I prayed to be less jaded. I prayed to see the good in people. I prayed not to analize everyone and everything for "dysfunction". This included me more than anyone. I prayed that I would not talk to my husband about my feelings because he needed to feel happy and not take care of me like he always does.
I did enjoy our grandson. I mostly enjoyed my husband enjoying our grandson . Love pours out of my husband in huge palpable waves. He's such a wonderful man. I would like to be like him.
I don't know what other people feel like who have lost a child. I know that it makes me feel alone much of the time. I know a three year old will stop you from thinking about anything and bring you into the moment, which is where God is.
I think that's what I miss about Annie more than anything. Her illness stripped time down to a place that was truth. We lived in moments, because you never knew what the next would bring.
I hope that now that my grief has subsided that I can take that experience with me and use it for everyone and everything. It's all there is really, it's just that most of the time we're too lost in thought to know it. I pray I know it more.

Christmas Love

I hope everyone is having a great holiday so far. Much Christmas love sent out to all of you!

You Might be a Frozen Redneck if...

You might be a redneck if you spend the Saturday before Christmas checking the thickness of the ice for fishing. Yup, That's what I did with my hubby today. It's c-c-c-c-cold! Tall Karen said she wanted to see some white stuff, so in honor of her and our blogger buddy Syd, heres some pictures of my day.

Guess what,I'm not going with him.

Deptford pink

I don't have a lot to say here lately. So I thought I'd share the latest photo I'm using as wall paper.It was 3 degrees yesterday so I put this up. I took this last summer at a large pond near us. You can read about this wildflower here.

Right about the same time I took this one.

It makes me laugh.

Hope all of you are having a great holiday so far.

Honest Things

Chris over at Enchanted Oak gave me this blog award  today and I'm supposed to tell you 7 honest things about myself.  I really like this particular award because it has easy, uncomplicated rules, you just tell 7 honest things, and pass it on to one person. Nice. Thank you Chris. I love her blog so much. her poetry rocks and so does she, so it means a lot to me when somebody like her, likes me. Very cool. Anyway, here goes;

1. I never thought that I would like being a grandma. I've never been much of a kid person. I'm bitchy and have no patience with kids, but my grandson has melted my frozen heart. He is an easy going little dude most of the time and I am always totally surprised when he wants to hang out with me. 
2. I love Christmas music, especially the classic stuff by Bing Crosby, Nat King Cole, Burl Ives, Jimmy Durante, you know what I mean.
3. I can't wait to see our grandson's face when he see's the big Thomas the Train table my husband made and I'm painting for him. What's the deal with this Thomas stuff? I don't get it, but he's only 3 and looses his mind over trains. ( it's a guy thing I guess)
4. I miss Annie.
5.  I don't like it when I get mean anonymous comments on posts. If you are too chicken to let me know who you are then keep your comments to yourself, just sayin'.
6. I had a pet pig named Samantha when I was a kid. I had her trained to do tricks and she was kind of like a dog to me. We would hang out and listen to a transistor radio together a lot. Once she fell in the pool and was in there for so long before she was discovered she had rubbed the hair under her chin off from her hooves while swimming. My dad butchered her for meat but they never told me. They just told me they sold her at auction. Living on a farm made you kinda tough with animals coming and going so to speak.
7. My dad looked just like one of the muppets who heckled in the balcony on The Muppet Show. He loved that show.

So there you are Chris. Thanks again. now I'd like to pass this along to Gretchen at g-log who always posts her paintings and always has something good to share. I think she could you some company from all you crazy folks who follow my blog for some odd reason! Well, maybe not you crazy ones.... 

Flash 55 Birthday Boy!

You've got me thinking
Of birthdays past,
How each has come and gone
We all know now
The bond will last
And Flash 55 will go on

And even though
You've had it rough,
A week you won't forget

You've told the tale
With a hurtin' tail
That hasn't beat you yet!
Happy Birthday G-Man!

Try a flash 55 and  report to the G-Man and wish him a Happy Birthday while you're at it. He's old, he needs something to be happy about.

Shoes

I was going along
Living along

We were in charge
We were the ones
We were the girls breaking the rules
The one's the songs were about
The one's with the cloths
The ones who drove the cars
Bought the stuff
Wore the shoes

I had some shoes

Coasting, holding on, making noise
And then talking about our kids

Then they had the shoes
  and a cell phone
They're working out for the ten year reunion

Now I am invisible
and I don't wear shoes

No Autographs, Please

 I think it's hilarious that after not being on the blogs for several days, the very first post I read was from our blogger friend Lou giving out here lovely award to all of us. Having a large, magnanimous ego, I of course graciously accept this award and will tell you all about my brushes with fame.

1. When I was in first grade, Bobby Kennedy stopped at my Catholic grade school while he was campaigning in NY Sate and I shook his hand.
2. I waited on Whoopi Goldberg when I lived in Charlotte NC. She was there filming "The Color Purple" at the time and came into the restaurant I was working in. She tipped me $50.
3. I met Jimmy Buffet at a bar in Key West and didn't know who he was. we were hanging out drinking beer.
4. I met his wife much later in rehab.
5. I met Rob Lowe at the same rehab.
6. I walked past the filming of a scene of "Miami Vice" in the airport in Miami. Annie and I had just arrived to move to Key Largo with two of my sisters. 
7.   New York State Senator Tom Libous had his picture taken on a chopper my husband built at our local business show a few years ago. ( I met him a few times actually and wasn't impressed really, but you might be!)
8. I was on "The Today Show" at that same time for a piece that featured my friend's restaurant that was in an old jail he redid. We had Jail House Choppers in the basement and sat at the tables while they were filming  about the restaurant.

That's all I can think of tonight, There's probably more, because really, I am so cool, but I'm tired. you know, I just don't understand way anyone hasn't asked for MY autograph.

I encourage anyone to accept this award also and share with us your own brushes with fame.

Also, I apologize for missing blogs and will catch up as best I can. I've been enjoying our grandson and holiday "stuff".

Macaroni Love

there are some things
that speak about your life like photographs
brought out of the dust in December

This one is from my mother
I bought this the year we were married
some are no longer pretty
mice chewed the macaroni

each holds a space in time
some too dear to think of
falling and whirling in waves

one by one
they are symbols

of a lifetime of love

All American 55

Today on Thanksgiving I brushed my teeth over a brand  new, white, porcelain, sink.
 We Americans are the only ones who have Thanksgiving.
  I wonder how many people in the world have a white sink with chrome faucets.
 I wonder how much food you could buy in Africa with the money we spent on that.




Join in  and write a Friday flash 55. Then report to the G-Man.

Radio

God is always speaking, whether or not I'm listening.
Sometimes the radio dial
Is tuned into the station
The music streams in loud and clear
With all its colors

Where does the static come from
I'm usually speaking too loud

Am I hearing, or listening
Am I too busy trying to tell you what I know
Which is nothing

I'm playing with the dial
I have nothing to say

LOOK! LOOK! AWARDS!!!

Yesterday I recieved  not one, but two count'em, 2, blog awards! The first was from our friend Keith, A.K.A. Monkey-Man. which is pretty cool because I really like his blog and I think he's a talented writer. He didn't have a clue that I was having a really bad day yesterday and his timing was perfect. Then, Patty,at Calm Acceptance ,who did know how I was feeling yesterday sent me some more love and another award! Isn't blogging the coolest?! I mean really, this group of people out here in cyberspace is so important to me sometimes. It means so much that you guys are out there reading whatever I write and take the time to comment and share. It's a very cool thing. I was feeling so depressed yesterday, just super down and there you guys were. It's simple stuff, these little awards, but they do feel great to get and I appreciate them very much.
Keith's award requires seven things you don't know about me. ( after all the crap I write , I wonder if there's anything left! Jeez!) So I'll start there.

1. I was married to Patty's brother for 10 years. We met in AA. He was sober for over a year and going against his sponsor's advice, he asked me out when I had 7 months sober. Everybody told us not to get married.  We married a year later. He is a good guy and was a good step dad to Annie. I also think we did a good job staying married for ten years considering how much we had to learn. Life's a funny thing. I'm glad Patty is my almost relative and is part of my life. Annie loved her very much too. Patty introduced me to blogging which has really turned into something very, very important for me. Thanks Girlfriend.
2. When I was working as a counselor, I would have to hide my motorcycle helmet in a tote bag when I went to work so the clients wouldn't see it because my helmet stickers were inappropriate to say the least. I would also start my Sportster up when I left right under the group rooms of one of my co-workers when I would leave. I had drags on it. It was brappy loud and it would seriously piss her off. Hee hee. I couldn't stand her. I know, some of us are sicker than others.
3. I haven't' changed the pipes on the new bike yet because it voids the HD warranty if you don't have them do it, which is pricey. My old bike was so loud it rattled the windows. This one is stock and you know what? I kinda like it. Hmmm...
4. I'm too fat for my chaps.
5. I believe in ghosts and have had many paranormal experiences throughout my life.
6. I'm really good at knowing if someone is lying. You can't bullshit a bullshitter. 
7. I used to love to dance and always was the first person on the dance floor. I didn't care if you were looking at me, but ever since Annie died, I rarely feel like it anymore and that makes me sad. I can't make myself feel like it either. It was a form of self expression I can't explain.

Now to pass these on. First, From me to You goes to Patty. Just sending some love back to you because your comment meant more to me than you know. Thank you. And the other goes back to Monkey-Man Keith, for the exact same reason. Thank you so much.

Yee Haw!

I mentioned a couple of posts ago that I love cowboys. I really do. When I was little I "played" cowboy often.  I wanted to be a boy. Pretending to be a cowboy made me about the best kind of boy I could imagine. They first of all rode horses all day, which was the best part. They were hero's and usually saved the day. I always watched every western on TV when I was little. My mother would call whatever we were having to eat "cowboy stew" or "cowboy spaghetti" to get me to eat it. I wish I had that problem now... 
Here's an interesting little tidbit of history for all of you. When I was 3 years sober I was going to group therapy for stage II recovery issues. Back then you could actually get your insurance to pay for that. Anyway, I was lucky enough to be sent to a very posh 28 day treatment center called Sierra Tuscon in Arizona for adult child of alcoholic treatment, ( yeah, 28 days too). I had never been out west in my life. Well one of the many perks of this absolutely gorgeous place was being able to go horseback riding in the Arizona desert. I was there in the spring. It was breathtaking. I went trail riding almost every day. This was like a childhood dream come true. It was just like being in the movies every morning. The cowboys who worked there were rather inspirational too!  My recovery was truly shaped by that experience by the way. Not the cowboys but the actual treatment I had there. That's fodder for another post, back to the cowboys.
I think I love cowboys because they represent what a man was supposed to be.The ideal. The men I saw on the screen were courageous, they had integrity, they rescued the girl from the bad guy and  the endings were always happy. I love manly men, period. I'm not impressed by a guy in a business suite as much as I am with one wearing chaps! Ha!

My Knight In Shining Amor

I'm really needing to talk about my husband this morning. I think he is the most amazing person I know. He is definately my favorite human being.
We are remodeling our bathroom. I am so excited about it. ( I know, it's riveting stuff) Honestly though, I am always so impressed with Jay. He's the kind of guy who can fix just about anything. If my car breaks down, he can fix it. If the toaster won't toast, he can fix it. When my heart was broken, Jay fixed it. In fact, on that score, he's done it over and over again
.
My husband is a millwright at his job, and he is also the head of maintainence for the company he works for. That means he fixes everything including the machines. Plumbing, heating, building maintenence, making sure the parking lot gets plowed, ordering all the machinning supplies, you name it, he does it. He's super busy at work most of the time.
Let me tell you what kind of guy he is though. If I call him in the middle of the day with some petty issue, he's always kind, and thoughtful. He rarely speaks harshly to me no matter how crazy he might be at that moment.
This is definately not always the case with me I'm sad to say. I admire him. I adore him.
So, all weekend he busted his butt on our bathroom. He's done all the carpentry work and all the plumbing. I've done the painting and I'll be doing the clean up today, but it's nothing compared to what he's doing. I'm so grateful that he knows how to do all these things. We don't have to pay to have someone else do it, which is one of the reasons I don't have to be working right now. I do know how lucky I am. I do not take him for granted.
Every day I learn what love is from this beautiful person who decided to marry me for some crazy reason. I'm realizing as I write this that I could keep talking about him on and on. I guess I just wanted you all to know that I'm feeling in love and happy.

10 Honest Things

Here are 10 honest things for our good friend at Enchantedoak Thank you again. It feels really good to have someone call me honest. I consider myself honest, probably to a fault most of the time. So here goes:

1. I also play music really loud when I clean the house. My current favorite is Kings Of Leon. Their music is great and they're just plain hot. ( I usually stop and dance in front of a mirror from time to time too.)
2. I sing songs to my dog in a weird voice. I've had weird little songs for every pet I've ever owned and I've done this since I was little. Trust me, you NEVER want to hear this. I'm not sure that my dog does either.
3. I get very excited when I find cloths that really fit. I am 6' tall. I rarely have cloths on that fit the way they're supposed to. The legs are too short, or the sleeves are too short. I always have to do some kind of cover up or whatever to mask this problem with most outfits. It gets really old.
4. I always know who's calling when the phone rings. If it's a stranger, I know it's a stranger. My husband always looks at me to hear who it is before he goes to look at the caller ID.
5. I love lipstick and probably have at least 100 tubes of it. I'm sad that I look ridiculus in some of the colors I used to be able to wear.
6. Ice cream is my favorite food.
7. I hate TV. I haven't had TV in my house for about 15 years.
8. I would love to go to Africa. My all time favorite movie scene is in "Out of Africa" where they are flying over the plain and Meryl Streep takes Robert Redford's hand. I cry every single time I see it and I've owned the movie since it was first released.
9. I love cowboy boots. (I love cowboys too)
10. I'm artistic and I'm asking for an acrylic painting class for Christmas.

Tree Hugger

I was driving around with a friend last weekend and as we drove I kept pointing out different trees to her. I was saying stuff like, "See those locusts, around that farmhouse? They always make me think of a Currier and Ives print.", or, "Look at that oak. Did you see the size of that? It must be at least 200 years old." Later I thought that I really have a "thing' for trees and I actually know a little about them. I'm drawn to trees, old ones especially. Actually I'm a plant freak and have had several jobs involving them. Trees speak to me in a language I can "hear" but cannot explain.
I grew up in a farm house that was built in the 1800's and our very large yard was full of a variety of trees. We had a yellow apple tree, two bartlett pears, a syckle pear, two mullberries, two huge popples, (which were struck by lightning more than once),a catalpa, a white birch, and a weeping birch, two sugar maples, three white oaks, one soft maple, a plum and a hickory nut tree. I don't think I forgot any. I could still tell you many details about every one of these. I spent a lot of time in and around them all. I was wondering who taught their names to me, my dad I guess. When I walk in the woods I can identify most of the trees and plants around me. It's important to me to know this. They matter to me. I can tell you about various trees or stands of trees in differnt places I frequent. Like, there are two huge beech trees in two different yards in my home town. The biggest elm tree in the county is in the town I live in now.There is a stand of old growth hemlocks in a park I ride to on the bike. There are 3 massive oaks in a triangle of land heading into Ithaca on Route13. There are a couple of very old oaks we go looking for "hen of the woods" mushrooms on in the beginning of fall. I could go on and on here. The point I'm making is I notice these things just like I would notice an interesting person. In fact I probaly have better relationships with the trees in my life than the people. That speaks volumes, doesn't it? They're easier. Trees make me happier much of the time too and they always have.

I know how riveting this post was for all of you. I admit that I'm a  "tree hugger" and I bet I'm not the only one.

Sharing

This is one of the last of my fall pictures. The leaves are pretty much gone now. This is a stateland road where me and the dog go most mornings. It's my new wallpaper shot. Just sharing. (Hey, remember that old Cracker Jacks commercial? Where the dad asks"What'd you learn in school today? and the little kid says"Sharing." That's the voice in my head. He he)

 Don't forget to click on it. Let's take a walk.

Little Things

I was sitting having my coffee this morning and was thinking about the upcomming holidays and what I wanted to do for them.  My thoughts skipped around and I realised that there are certain things that always make me feel happy inside. Here are some of those things in the random order they came to me;

• Cookie cutters
• My dog Macy
• Riding my bike without a helmet (sorry Lou)
• Landscapes
• My stupid pink fake crocs that I wear around the house
• Annie's art supplies
• Particularly Prisma Color pencils
• Peanut butter
• My dear friend Barb, who I've known my whole life
• The wood stove
• My goofy husband
• Good coffee
• Recipes
• The absolute joy of not working right now

There's more of course but that's kind of where my head went today. Hope you all think of some little things that make you feel good today.

For Pam and her mom

I'm sending prayers to our blogger friend Pam and her mom this morning.

It's Just Me

Awhile ago I put some old PJs on before watching a movie with my husband. I looked in the mirror and I liked what I saw. It was just me, my 50 year old face and body.  I always find some fault or flaw in my reflection and I always have something negative run through my head. Tonight I just didn't. I don't know why. I was actually happy to look and see me looking back. Now I do not know what happens to everyone else when they look in the mirror. I don't know if I'm different or not, but I'm not sure if the way I felt about my reflection has ever happened to me before.
Sometimes there are little miracles in my life. Sometimes grace shows itself in soft perfection.

I Can't Drive 55!

Tooling along thinking this will probably be the last ride of the season. I wasn't paying attention,  SHERIFF CAR, SH- -! How fast was I going? Seventy, crap!
Brake lights, here he comes." You were going sixty eight. Liscence, registration, hey your helmet's not DOT."
Waiting, waiting, waiting....
"We're letting you go. Have a nice day!"

It's Flash 55 fridays with your host the Mr. Knowitall. Try it 55 words no more, no less, then let the G-man know.



This really happened today. you should have seen the guy when i asked to take a picture, I was really pushing my luck!

 I put 7052 miles on my brand new bike, you remember, the one I was manifesting last winter. Yeah baby!

Sharing

This photo is the wallpaper on my computer right now. I took it in September. I just wanted to share it 'cause I love it. Click on it. Feelin' it?

Feats Never Failed Me

I'm going to steal a blog idea from a blogger friend Syd who recently posted this and I think it's a great idea for a post here. What are the 10 best moments of your life? I actually had trouble narrowing it down, but here they are.

1. When I was 12 years old, the all girl drum and bugle corp I belonged to won The World Open. Standing on the football field with the top 12 girls corps and listening to the scores one by one, till only two were left and then finally announcing the second place corp, leaving us, was a breathtaking moment. I remember crying, it was awesome.
2. The  parade through my home town after we won was almost as good. The whole town lined the streets and there were banners hanging from a big underpass on one of the main streets. We did a parade through town and a concert at the end. Thousands of people turned out. It was a 12 year old's dream come true.
3. My first kiss.
4. Seeing my daughter's face for the first time when she was born.
5. My first wedding day.
6. My sister,me and 3 of our best friends were together for a small wedding shower for my sister. Our friends lived in NY and we lived in NC at the time. We hadn't all been together in over ten years. We all piled in the car to go somewhere and we were playing "Dixie Chicken" by Little Feat off the " Waiting For Columbus" album and singing at the top of our lungs.I had a history with that albumn. We had all played a lot of fuseball to that albumn. It was happy and spontanious and the car was filled with love.
7. The first time my husband put his arm around me.
8. All the firsts with my husband after that....
9. When my friend had a big party for all the "swells" in my hometown at the old jail he had turned into a restaraunt. My husband was making choppers in the basement. The restaraunt and the chopper shop had gotten a lot of press at the time and everyone wanted to be involved. It was a big deal in our little town. We were on Good Morning America when he opened. Anyway, we were "the biker" people. Like rock stars or something. We were cool. I knew many people there and had never been allowed in their circles before. Now they wanted to be in ours. That was a big bag of fun. 
10. There are many, many  things that include my daughter Annie. Lets just say she provided me with the oportunities to recognise the grace in my life over and over again. 

Now I've already kinda cheated and gone over, because I really couldn't pick just ten. Theres a whole great story that goes along with the Little Feat albumn that definately constitutes one of the best days of my life.  There are so many moments that stand out just because you know at that moment that it just doesn't get any better than this. What's great about getting older is that I know this quite often now. When I was younger, I didn't know how great the moments were until I looked back on them.
I also know now that some of the "bad" moments in my life were some of the best too. It's the perspective that gets better with time I think.
Thanks for the idea Syd! I had a blast writting this.

Live and In Person

This blog is going to be based on nothing but positive, life affirming things. My introduction to blogging, with my other blog, "What Now" had a completely different theme, which you can go read if you choose. I will not focus time and energy on those topics here.
Why have I decided this, you might ask? I truly believe that what you focus on, you manifest in your life. I kind of think that I was cultured to focus on negativity, drama perhaps, and so that is the way things have gone in many ways. Now I am more aware of this truth than I have ever been in my life. Good things happen to people who work hard and pay attention. I don't have to do that anymore! Holy cow! What a revelation! DING, DING, DING! No more calls please, we have a winner! I have really begun to pay attention to what I say, what I think, and now, what I write.
Yep, I write affirmations, have for years and years. I've been making vision boards for years, waaaay before they became trendy. I meditate, visualise, all these things. What I wasn't doing was changing how I speak and what I focus on in my everyday life. This matters, a lot.
Yesterday is gone, tomorrow is not here, all we have is this moment. If I am talking about unhappy things, writting about drama, or the things that made me angry, or the things I think you should change, well then, the universe, God, Allah, whatever you want to call the force that runs things, it brings me more of that.
There are many things I've had to do over and over again before I got it right. Writing is one of those things, but I'm in a place in my life where there's enough of a space that I can focus and be very clear.
I have never really focused on the things that make me happy. I've kind of done my life by default, after disaster, then have fun. What's fun? I was squeezing in things in between crisis's. In fact, it was fun because of the crisis. Fun was even creating the crisis. Oh drama, I'm sooooo done. So here in this new place, I will only discuss, write about , post, light and love, joy, abundance and all the good things that I deserve. Read if you want. I'll post whether or not you do, because THIS is powerful stuff!